Welcome to my blog, thank you for checking it out.
Actually, I’ve never ever considered starting a blog, but I have just realised that I needed a place, where I can share all my thoughts with the world (and maybe help people who are in the same situation as I am).

I guess everyone would expect that the first post would be a kind of introduction – introducing myself and so on, however, I do not think it’s really necessary. What may be important to know is that I am a guy in his twenties – and I am from a Central European country (so, sorry if I am making any mistakes in English, it is my second native language, however, as I was born in a non-English speaking part of the world, my English may not be as perfect as it should be.)

So why did I start writing this blog? The answer is pretty simple. I do think that my life is pretty perfect – I have friends who care for me, a loving family, but there’s one thing in my life that’s driving me crazy: OCD.

I was diagnosed with OCD 5 years ago – but of course, I had it even before that, so actually, we can say that I’ve had it ever since I was a small child. I guess most of you would imagine some kind of cleaning-related obsession, however, mine is a bit different. (I’ll not go into details and I’ll not explain what OCD means in general)

So what kind of OCD do I have? As I have already mentioned, it was not the “cleaning-type”.

My OCD is a silent killer. It’s been with me for almost 20 years and It’d never go away. It makes me afraid of almost everything and I am literary scared of the whole world. I think all people with OCD know the feeling when their brain is asking them the “what if” question. I’ve been able to handle this “what if” question for almost 20 years, but lately, it’s getting out of control – when I was younger, I used to worry about irrational things for less than an hour/ day or so, however, as time passed, it’d get worse and worse. And tonight, it’s just simply unbearable, so this is the moment when I feel that I have to share my thoughts with someone, otherwise I’d simply go crazy.

But back to the question: what am I afraid of? The real terror is that I am always afraid of different things: I had a period when I was so afraid of catching HIV that I was afraid of kissing anyone – despite having read that HIV is not spread that way – but of course, facts and science could not convince me. My fear of catching HIV made me sick. I have another sickening fear, that is fainting in public: I’ve never fainted, but still, I am so afraid of fainting in public that sometimes I prefer not going out with my friends, and If I go out, I simply can not enjoy myself as I’d not stop thinking about the things that could possible happen if I fainted.

I know that these may sound ridiculous and funny to someone who does not have the same fears – and believe me, in rare moments when I do not have OCD, I find them ridiculous too – but now it’s not that kind of a moment.

So, now I am 24 years old and I feel that I can not recognize myself anymore. I look back in time and I see the “little me” – the person I was many years ago, before this whole thing went out of control and I am constantly blaming myself for everything. I know that I have a great life and nothing to complain about, but OCD is something that is stronger than I am – I can not enjoy anything, as I constantly worry about insignificant/inexistant things. I see the “little me” who was full of dreams and wanted to change the whole world – and I see myself, now, 24 years old – and being afraid of not getting a job, ending up in the street, catching HIV, fainting in public or accidentally committing suicide  – just to list a couple of examples.  The real problem is that I do not have any dreams anymore – all of my dreams’ve been replaced by terrible fears – fears of the future, of the present, of the unknown – fear of myself, fear of others, fear of the whole world. I know that it should not be this way, and it’s simply abnormal to be afraid of literary everything, but I can not change it – and that’s the reason why I started writing this blog. I just hope that sharing my thoughts with others will make it better. I am not here to ask for any kind of help – all I want is to write – and hope that writing will make everything better.

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2 thoughts on “The Terror of OCD

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