Thanks for God today I did not have any significant OCD attack or any serious symptoms but I just wanted to share some of my thoughts with you.
I am sure that some of you may have already experienced “the call of the void”. For someone without OCD this feeling may not be too scary – it is there for a few seconds but then it will go away, however for OCD-sufferers this can cause an extreme distress.
A few years ago this feeling, the call of the void or “l’appel du vide” was driving me crazy: I am normally not afraid of height but I have always felt the urge to jump – ever since I was a child.
So, that’s how it all began, one day I went to visit a friend who was living in a flat on the 8th floor and had a really nice balcony, so just like any other teens we decided to have some drinks and smoke on the balcony and obviously for me this would be perfectly enough for having another OCD attack. I was looking down the street and I thought how great it would be to just jump – the feeling of endless freedom and so on.
But soon this feeling of endless freedom went away and was replaced by extreme fear. I would ask myself: what if I will just act on my thoughts and jump? This thought was stuck in my mind and I would not be able to get rid of it, I felt that I could jump at any single moment and I was afraid of losing control. What made the whole situation even more difficult was that I knew that if I told anyone what had been on my mind they would simply think that I am crazy and that I’d want to commit suicide, but in fact it was exactly the other way around – I was terrified because I was sure that I did not want to die, but at the same time I just could not stop thinking about jumping.
Fortunately, I do not have this fear anymore – How did it go away? I had a friend who actually understood what I was going through and he told me that confrontation would be the best method to overcome this fear, so we spent a few hours sitting on a bridge and I must say that it did work! It’d been horribly difficult and I did want to run away but finally it was worth it. At least now I can say that I am not afraid of this feeling anymore – I have other fears instead. 🙂