What if there is no tomorrow?

Today, I was thinking a lot about my life: as a consequence of OCD I am also suffering from some kind of depression. However, many people would say that my depression is a kind of first world problem as I have always had a nice life and nothing to complain about.
So as I have mentioned above, today on my way home from work I started to think about my life. I was asking myself what it was worth living for as my OCD is killing me and I simply can not get rid of all the obsessive thoughts – and of course, just like many other people who are suffering from OCD, I would ask myself the typical “what if” question – this time it was the one with “what if I committed suicide”, however, today the whole conversation with myself ended up differently.
I imagined what it would be like to commit suicide and obviously I was afraid of the thought itself but instead of worrying too much about it – as I would usually do – I just asked myself why I worried over so insignificant things all my life and I actually imagined what if this would be the last day of my life, so just like the title says: what if there is no tomorrow?
I have been thinking about this ever since I asked myself this question, and finally I could answer myself: if there was no tomorrow, I would obviously enjoy this day much more, as I would know that there would be absolutely no consequences of my actions. Obviously, you should not think that I am planning to do anything horrible, but  I think people with OCD will perfectly understand my feelings, the moments when you keep worrying about everything even though you know that you are not being rational.
Imagining the this would be the last day of my life helped a lot while dealing with my OCD: everytime I had an obsessive thought, I would just force myself to enjoy this day without thinking too much about the future: anyway, nobody is capable of controlling everything and I think this insecurity is one of the reasons why I have this horrible anxiety disorder, but on the other hand: why would I want to control everything and to live in perfect security if I just can not enjoy my life? And why would I want to act on all my obsessive thoughts and keep thinking about them if I know perfectly that they are not rational?
So this afternoon was not like others: instead of focusing on OCD, I was spending time walking in the city and exploring the things which I have not been able to enjoy for the last few weeks.
I would suggest all people with OCD to imagine that this day would be the last day of their lives and to enjoy every moment – worrying about everything will not solve any problems and think about all the moments, days and years that you have wasted because of your OCD. All the trips that you could not enjoy because you were afraid of catching a dangerous disease or the food that you could not eat because you would be afraid of developing an allergy.
So yes, that’s it,  I just wanted to share this with you. 🙂

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OCD Stories: Afraid of not finding the way home

Hi All,

I have promised myself to publish a new article every single day, as writing eases my OCD symptoms, furthermore I think that it is important to share our experiences with other people who are suffering from this terrible disease. However, I do not want to be selfish and I do not want my whole blog to be about myself, so today I am sharing the story of one of my friends (obviously, I am doing so with her consent and anonymously) and as I do have a lot of non-English speaking friends who have OCD, I may be sharing other stories later.
Many of the people who do not have OCD think that OCD is a kind of “cleaning obsession” and they can not even imagine how huge the variety of different symptoms, thoughts and obsessions is.
So the friend of mine whose story I am sharing today has a terrible fear: she is afraid of going too far away from her home as she thinks that she may forget the way back. I think for most of the people this fear may be totally ununderstandable, however, when I found out about it, I could perfectly understand her fear: the feeling when you walk in the city and see its endless streets, maybe you even get lost for a moment – it can happen to anyone, even in their own cities. I guess that’s how it starts, if you get lost once, you will ask yourself – what if this will happen again? And from here it’s only one single step to a new fear that you can not get out of your mind, and this fear can really make your life hell as you can not simply enjoy an evening walk just like any other people.
So again, the what if question? The fear itself is totally illogical as why would anyone forget the way home, but on the other hand, there is always this “what if?” – it is extremely unlikely but we can not say that it would never happen. The worst thing about this kind of fears is that one can not talk openly about them, there are people who would simply laugh at you, others that would say that this is just a first world problem and you are inventing these things only because you are bored – and there are people who look at you in a really understanding way and they really try to help, but you know that they just do not really understand what you are going through.
That was everything I wanted to share today. 🙂 Thank you for reading and do not hesitate to share your OCD story in the comment section.

The Call of the Void

Hi All!

Thanks for God today I did not have any significant OCD attack or any serious symptoms but I just wanted to share some of my thoughts with you.
I am sure that some of you may have already experienced “the call of the void”. For someone without OCD this feeling may not be too scary – it is there for a few seconds but then it will go away, however for OCD-sufferers this can cause an extreme distress.
A few years ago this feeling, the call of the void or “l’appel du vide” was driving me crazy: I am normally not afraid of height but I have always felt the urge to jump – ever since I was a child.
So, that’s how it all began, one day I went to visit a friend who was living in a flat on the 8th floor and had a really nice balcony, so just like any other teens we decided to have some drinks and smoke on the balcony and obviously for me this would be perfectly enough for having another OCD attack. I was looking down the street and I thought how great it would be to just jump – the feeling of endless freedom and so on.
But soon this feeling of endless freedom went away and was replaced by extreme fear. I would ask myself: what if I will just act on my thoughts and jump? This thought was stuck in my mind and I would not be able to get rid of it, I felt that I could jump at any single moment and I was afraid of losing control. What made the whole situation even more difficult was that I knew that if I told anyone what had been on my mind they would simply think that I am crazy and that I’d want to commit suicide, but in fact it was exactly the other way around – I was terrified because I was sure that I did not want to die, but at the same time I just could not stop thinking about jumping.
Fortunately, I do not have this fear anymore – How did it go away? I had a friend who actually understood what I was going through and he told me that confrontation would be the best method to overcome this fear, so we spent a few hours sitting on a bridge and I must say that it did work! It’d been horribly difficult and I did want to run away but finally it was worth it. At least now I can say that I am not afraid of this feeling anymore – I have other fears instead. 🙂

OCD – Fight the Boggart!

Hi All,

Hope everyone had / is having a great day. Today I decided to write about something more positive – one can not just write about one’s fears all the time.
So, I’d like share something that works for me while fighting OCD, but I think many of you may have even guessed the whole story from the title.
Yes, that’s the boggart from Harry Potter books – What do I exactly mean by that?
I guess most of the people from my generation know the story of Harry Potter and may be familiar with the creature called “boggart”, which is a kind of monster that takes on the form of your worst fear. For me personally, OCD feels just like this: a kind of monster that is suddenly attacking me and is taking on the form of my “most recent worst fear”.
So, what is the perfect solution? Try to laugh at it – just the way Harry Potter’s friends did. This may not work in all cases as sometimes OCD can really drive you crazy and there are moments when one feels that there is simply no way out – when you feel the urge to clean your room several times a day or when you are afraid of non-intentionally commit  a crime/suicide, you will not be able to laugh at yourself, but when you feel calmer, it does help if you just think about your fears and try to “make them funny”. – At least it works as laughing at something will make that thing much less scary.
So, just do not give up and keep fighting that boggart! 🙂

Moving to another country with OCD…

Hi All,

I am sorry for disappearing for so long, however, I have been busy with a lot of things – yes, as the title says, I have moved to another country. As everything else in this world, moving is also a really challenging thing when you have OCD.
I think many of you may have experienced the things that I did. What if the company decides to revoke the job offer at the very last moment? Obviously, this was one of my biggest fears. Of course, this fear had been almost totally irrealistic, but try to explain this to someone who has OCD. I spent a lot of sleepless nights constantly worrying about the possibility of a revoked job offer.
So, yes, that was one of the main reason I have not posted anything on here for so long – I was afraid that if I wrote it down it would somehow become real. And yes, of course OCD would never stop at this point – signing the contract did not make things much easier as after signing it, a new fear arised: what if I get sick and will not be able to work?
All this may sound ridiculous to those without OCD, but I am pretty sure that most of the people who are dealing with the same problem can understand it perfectly.
Furthermore, let’s not mention about finding a flat: the constant fear that I would not find one and would have to give up on moving and getting a job in a different country just because of the fact that I am unable to find a flat.
However, overall, the moving itself turned out to be great and I am pretty satisfied with my life at the moment. A change is always a good thing – especially when you have OCD – a whole new city to explore and a lot of new things to learn. And let’s not forget about the new fears that one can have in a new country….as you may have noticed I am a type of person who likes making fun of his own situation so in the rare moments when I do not have OCD, I almost laugh when I imagine what kind of weird new fears I will developp while staying here. 🙂

Daily Fear

As I’ve already mentioned in my previous posts, I’d spent most of my days with fear and today was no exception.
I’m sure that many of you guys (who have OCD) were/ or are afraid of chocking.So that’s exactly what happened to me today. As usually, I was having my lunchbreak at work – so of course for an average person it would not seem to be something really dangerous, but not for me, as myself, I see danger everywhere, I suddenly started to question myself: what If I am allergic to this pizza? Obviously, I’m not allergic to any of the ingredients, but then, my brain would not stop asking me the typical OCD question: but what if?
So, this “what if” went a little bit further, until the point where I could actually feel that I could choke and die at any moment. And of course, in the meantime I had to pretend that everything was alright as one can not afford oneself talking about OCD in the middle of the office.
Now that the whole OCD attack is over, I can even laugh at myself – and that’s the only good thing about this whole terror. When it’s over, I can make fun of myself and see how irrational I was, but then, obviously, at the moment when I have these thoughts, everything looks really dark.
So that’s pretty much it for today. Just another typical day with OCD – as a final thought, let’s be a bit positive – at least this is something that always remains constant in our ever-changing world.
Please do not hesitate to share any comments about your own OCD story – looking forward to hearing from you guys! 🙂

What kind of thoughts people with OCD can have?

Unfortunately, there are millions of people living with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder all around the world. I do have many friends who have OCD, however, for some reason, talking about it is still a kind of taboo – I could never understand why, but people are not comfortable with talking about Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I’d like to share with you the list of thoughts and irrational fears that myself and my friends had/ have. This list may be funny or ununderstandable for someone who does not have this horrible disease, but I hope it helps those who have OCD – when the whole terror (because that’s how I call it) started, it also helped me to read about other people’s fears, so that I could see that I am not the only one having such thoughts and that it is not the end of the world (even if it’s horribly disturbing).
So, here is the list (please do not hesitate to comment on the post, if there’s anything you think I could add.)
– What if I forget speaking?
– What if I forget speaking English?
– What if I forget writing?
– What if I choke because I did not chew my food enough?
– What if I harm my loved ones?
– What if I accidentally commit a crime?
– Did I close the door?
– Did I turn off the stove?
– Being afraid of fainting in public
– Being afraid of catching a disease
And finally, a thought that maybe all people with OCD have: if others knew that I am thinking about all this, they’d surely think that I am out of my mind, and I’d end up in a mental hospital. I’d not like to give any advice about handling these thoughts as I have problems handling them myself – but I do think that discussing about them and learning more about OCD will help us overcome it in the future! 🙂

The Terror of OCD

Welcome to my blog, thank you for checking it out.
Actually, I’ve never ever considered starting a blog, but I have just realised that I needed a place, where I can share all my thoughts with the world (and maybe help people who are in the same situation as I am).

I guess everyone would expect that the first post would be a kind of introduction – introducing myself and so on, however, I do not think it’s really necessary. What may be important to know is that I am a guy in his twenties – and I am from a Central European country (so, sorry if I am making any mistakes in English, it is my second native language, however, as I was born in a non-English speaking part of the world, my English may not be as perfect as it should be.)

So why did I start writing this blog? The answer is pretty simple. I do think that my life is pretty perfect – I have friends who care for me, a loving family, but there’s one thing in my life that’s driving me crazy: OCD.

I was diagnosed with OCD 5 years ago – but of course, I had it even before that, so actually, we can say that I’ve had it ever since I was a small child. I guess most of you would imagine some kind of cleaning-related obsession, however, mine is a bit different. (I’ll not go into details and I’ll not explain what OCD means in general)

So what kind of OCD do I have? As I have already mentioned, it was not the “cleaning-type”.

My OCD is a silent killer. It’s been with me for almost 20 years and It’d never go away. It makes me afraid of almost everything and I am literary scared of the whole world. I think all people with OCD know the feeling when their brain is asking them the “what if” question. I’ve been able to handle this “what if” question for almost 20 years, but lately, it’s getting out of control – when I was younger, I used to worry about irrational things for less than an hour/ day or so, however, as time passed, it’d get worse and worse. And tonight, it’s just simply unbearable, so this is the moment when I feel that I have to share my thoughts with someone, otherwise I’d simply go crazy.

But back to the question: what am I afraid of? The real terror is that I am always afraid of different things: I had a period when I was so afraid of catching HIV that I was afraid of kissing anyone – despite having read that HIV is not spread that way – but of course, facts and science could not convince me. My fear of catching HIV made me sick. I have another sickening fear, that is fainting in public: I’ve never fainted, but still, I am so afraid of fainting in public that sometimes I prefer not going out with my friends, and If I go out, I simply can not enjoy myself as I’d not stop thinking about the things that could possible happen if I fainted.

I know that these may sound ridiculous and funny to someone who does not have the same fears – and believe me, in rare moments when I do not have OCD, I find them ridiculous too – but now it’s not that kind of a moment.

So, now I am 24 years old and I feel that I can not recognize myself anymore. I look back in time and I see the “little me” – the person I was many years ago, before this whole thing went out of control and I am constantly blaming myself for everything. I know that I have a great life and nothing to complain about, but OCD is something that is stronger than I am – I can not enjoy anything, as I constantly worry about insignificant/inexistant things. I see the “little me” who was full of dreams and wanted to change the whole world – and I see myself, now, 24 years old – and being afraid of not getting a job, ending up in the street, catching HIV, fainting in public or accidentally committing suicide  – just to list a couple of examples.  The real problem is that I do not have any dreams anymore – all of my dreams’ve been replaced by terrible fears – fears of the future, of the present, of the unknown – fear of myself, fear of others, fear of the whole world. I know that it should not be this way, and it’s simply abnormal to be afraid of literary everything, but I can not change it – and that’s the reason why I started writing this blog. I just hope that sharing my thoughts with others will make it better. I am not here to ask for any kind of help – all I want is to write – and hope that writing will make everything better.