OCD – Afraid of blinding yourself

So, as I’ve mentioned earlier, I do not only write about the obsessions that I have in this particular period of my life but also about the things that I used to be scared of and also about the experiences of my friends.
And today I decided to write about one of the biggest fears that I had as a teenager – and that’s a fear of blinding myself. Sounds shocking right?

Before I start telling the whole story, you need to know that I wear contact lenses. It’s an important thing to mention because that’s how this whole fear started.
So one day, I’d just put my contact lenses in – just like any other time. And while putting them in, I accidentally hurt one of my eyes. I guess for those who have OCD already have an idea how the story will continue from here:

I had a sudden thought – what
if one day, I’ll hurt my eyes intentionally – or even worse, what if one day, I’ll want to blind myself?

This thought appeared – and afterwards, It’d simply never go away. And that’s how a whole new chapter started in my life. My fear of blinding myself was so strong that I couldn’t even sleep properly and I had to stop wearing contact lenses as I’d not have been able to put them in or take them out.

Obviously, the story is still not over. The whole story started with just one single obsessive thought but the fear started to actually overtake my whole life. I started to have rituals and I was hoping that they’ll stop me from gouging out my eyes.
One of them was asking my family members to tie my hands before I go to sleep. But after some time this wouldn’t help either as I was thinking of all possible ways how I could theoretically get rid of the ropes and still hurt my eyes.

And it went on for a few months, but let me tell you what I did to overcome this particular fear: I decided to systematically expose myself to all the things I’m afraid of and to all the situations that’d make me think about blinding myself. So, I started to wear lenses again, I stopped asking my family to tie my hands and I left all the knives on the kitchen table (yes, I also considered a knife to be a very dangerous object as one can easily bline oneself with it…).
The beginning of my journey was terribly difficult, but it was worth it.

Sometimes, I have the impression that OCD will never ever leave me, but the fact that I could overcome one of my biggest fears as a teenager is actually helping me a lot and is keeping me motivated as It kind of shows me that nothing is lost.

Please do not hesitate to share your success stories in the comment section! 🙂

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Afraid of chocolate cookies – one of the weirdest phobias

So far, I’ve only been posting about OCD, but unfortunately I do not only have OCD, but I also have a couple of pretty weird phobias – which I guess have absolutely no connection to my OCD.
One of them may sound funny to most of you: I’m terribly afraid of chocolate chip cookies.

Yes, that’s true. I’m not joking…I know it sounds ridiculous but it’s unfortunately true. Just to show you an example of what kind of chocolate cookies I’m afraid of, I have also attached an image – and yes, it’s terribly scary for me to look at it.

pexels-photo-890575.jpeg
Obviously, this phobia is not making my life much harder, but it’s still pretty inconvenient especially that you can not really tell it to anyone as most of the people would simply make fun of you or laugh at you – or simply think that you’re just joking. (And I guess many of the readers will also think that I’m not being serious.)

Looking at chocolate cookies can literary scare me to death. It all started when I was a kid and I’d just cry if someone gave me chocolate cookies. Then, this whole thing continued in my teenage years, when my cousin and my friends would bring me some chocolate cookies to make me run away – which was a totally cruel thing.

And yes, nowaday it’s getting slightly better cause for example I could still look for the picture above and attach it to my post but I still avoid looking at it and also at McDonalds, I’ll always try not to look at chocolate cookies (I could actually never understood why they even sell chocolate cookies – it’s just scary). But then at least, I’m not running away from chocolate cookies anymore, so that’s already a huge step.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to overcome this fear because it’s not something that has a huge impact in my life, so I prefer simply avoiding it –  however, writing a post about it seemed to be a good idea to me as I’ve tried to google if anyone had the same fear but I haven’t found anything similar, so I just really want to know if I’m the only one who’s scared by chocolate cookies of if there are any more people with the same fear.

So, please feel free to comment if you have the same phobia! – and as you may have seen in some of my previous posts, I sometimes laugh at myself so I’ll not be offended if any of you makes fun of my phobia – even though it’s really not a joke.

Proud of having OCD

It’s been a crazy long time since I published my last post – and a lot of things have been happening in my life lately.
Some time ago, I had a discussion about OCD with a new friend of mine and what she told me made me very sad: she’s literary ashamed of her OCD. Because of all the bad things and discrimination that she has experienced, she’s kind of “hiding her OCD”.
I’m not sure how it is in the place you live in, but in the country where I’m from, discrimination against people with OCD is common – so many of us do not talk about our situation openly. And this is the worst thing we could possibly do.
The title I gave to my article does not mean that I am happy for having OCD: on the contrary: I’d be the happiest person if I woke up in a morning and it went away. But! OCD is a part of me and being ashamed of having it would also mean that I deny myself.
OCD is a terror  – people who suffer from it know this. But for overcoming it, I think that the first step we can take is accepting it.
Yes, I have OCD and I’m proud of it. Without OCD, I’d have never become the person I am today. It made and is making me suffer a lot, but it also gave me a lot of good things: new friends, experiences and it’s a part of me. At the time I was diagnosed with OCD, I’d only tell it to my family members and closest friends, but later on, I realised that this is nothing to be ashamed of and that telling people about OCD will actually help you a lot. Nowaday, there are a lot of different movements and more and more people are actually proud of the way they are, but sometimes I feel that there’s a lot to be improved when it comes to OCD – if the world knows what this is about and that this is not just a simple “cleaning addiction” as many people imagine, it will also be easier for us to manage our lives.
So, this is something that came into my mind today and I felt that I just needed to share it.

Mark Wester

What if there is no tomorrow?

Today, I was thinking a lot about my life: as a consequence of OCD I am also suffering from some kind of depression. However, many people would say that my depression is a kind of first world problem as I have always had a nice life and nothing to complain about.
So as I have mentioned above, today on my way home from work I started to think about my life. I was asking myself what it was worth living for as my OCD is killing me and I simply can not get rid of all the obsessive thoughts – and of course, just like many other people who are suffering from OCD, I would ask myself the typical “what if” question – this time it was the one with “what if I committed suicide”, however, today the whole conversation with myself ended up differently.
I imagined what it would be like to commit suicide and obviously I was afraid of the thought itself but instead of worrying too much about it – as I would usually do – I just asked myself why I worried over so insignificant things all my life and I actually imagined what if this would be the last day of my life, so just like the title says: what if there is no tomorrow?
I have been thinking about this ever since I asked myself this question, and finally I could answer myself: if there was no tomorrow, I would obviously enjoy this day much more, as I would know that there would be absolutely no consequences of my actions. Obviously, you should not think that I am planning to do anything horrible, but  I think people with OCD will perfectly understand my feelings, the moments when you keep worrying about everything even though you know that you are not being rational.
Imagining the this would be the last day of my life helped a lot while dealing with my OCD: everytime I had an obsessive thought, I would just force myself to enjoy this day without thinking too much about the future: anyway, nobody is capable of controlling everything and I think this insecurity is one of the reasons why I have this horrible anxiety disorder, but on the other hand: why would I want to control everything and to live in perfect security if I just can not enjoy my life? And why would I want to act on all my obsessive thoughts and keep thinking about them if I know perfectly that they are not rational?
So this afternoon was not like others: instead of focusing on OCD, I was spending time walking in the city and exploring the things which I have not been able to enjoy for the last few weeks.
I would suggest all people with OCD to imagine that this day would be the last day of their lives and to enjoy every moment – worrying about everything will not solve any problems and think about all the moments, days and years that you have wasted because of your OCD. All the trips that you could not enjoy because you were afraid of catching a dangerous disease or the food that you could not eat because you would be afraid of developing an allergy.
So yes, that’s it,  I just wanted to share this with you. 🙂

OCD Stories: Afraid of not finding the way home

Hi All,

I have promised myself to publish a new article every single day, as writing eases my OCD symptoms, furthermore I think that it is important to share our experiences with other people who are suffering from this terrible disease. However, I do not want to be selfish and I do not want my whole blog to be about myself, so today I am sharing the story of one of my friends (obviously, I am doing so with her consent and anonymously) and as I do have a lot of non-English speaking friends who have OCD, I may be sharing other stories later.
Many of the people who do not have OCD think that OCD is a kind of “cleaning obsession” and they can not even imagine how huge the variety of different symptoms, thoughts and obsessions is.
So the friend of mine whose story I am sharing today has a terrible fear: she is afraid of going too far away from her home as she thinks that she may forget the way back. I think for most of the people this fear may be totally ununderstandable, however, when I found out about it, I could perfectly understand her fear: the feeling when you walk in the city and see its endless streets, maybe you even get lost for a moment – it can happen to anyone, even in their own cities. I guess that’s how it starts, if you get lost once, you will ask yourself – what if this will happen again? And from here it’s only one single step to a new fear that you can not get out of your mind, and this fear can really make your life hell as you can not simply enjoy an evening walk just like any other people.
So again, the what if question? The fear itself is totally illogical as why would anyone forget the way home, but on the other hand, there is always this “what if?” – it is extremely unlikely but we can not say that it would never happen. The worst thing about this kind of fears is that one can not talk openly about them, there are people who would simply laugh at you, others that would say that this is just a first world problem and you are inventing these things only because you are bored – and there are people who look at you in a really understanding way and they really try to help, but you know that they just do not really understand what you are going through.
That was everything I wanted to share today. 🙂 Thank you for reading and do not hesitate to share your OCD story in the comment section.

The Call of the Void

Hi All!

Thanks for God today I did not have any significant OCD attack or any serious symptoms but I just wanted to share some of my thoughts with you.
I am sure that some of you may have already experienced “the call of the void”. For someone without OCD this feeling may not be too scary – it is there for a few seconds but then it will go away, however for OCD-sufferers this can cause an extreme distress.
A few years ago this feeling, the call of the void or “l’appel du vide” was driving me crazy: I am normally not afraid of height but I have always felt the urge to jump – ever since I was a child.
So, that’s how it all began, one day I went to visit a friend who was living in a flat on the 8th floor and had a really nice balcony, so just like any other teens we decided to have some drinks and smoke on the balcony and obviously for me this would be perfectly enough for having another OCD attack. I was looking down the street and I thought how great it would be to just jump – the feeling of endless freedom and so on.
But soon this feeling of endless freedom went away and was replaced by extreme fear. I would ask myself: what if I will just act on my thoughts and jump? This thought was stuck in my mind and I would not be able to get rid of it, I felt that I could jump at any single moment and I was afraid of losing control. What made the whole situation even more difficult was that I knew that if I told anyone what had been on my mind they would simply think that I am crazy and that I’d want to commit suicide, but in fact it was exactly the other way around – I was terrified because I was sure that I did not want to die, but at the same time I just could not stop thinking about jumping.
Fortunately, I do not have this fear anymore – How did it go away? I had a friend who actually understood what I was going through and he told me that confrontation would be the best method to overcome this fear, so we spent a few hours sitting on a bridge and I must say that it did work! It’d been horribly difficult and I did want to run away but finally it was worth it. At least now I can say that I am not afraid of this feeling anymore – I have other fears instead. 🙂

OCD – Fight the Boggart!

Hi All,

Hope everyone had / is having a great day. Today I decided to write about something more positive – one can not just write about one’s fears all the time.
So, I’d like share something that works for me while fighting OCD, but I think many of you may have even guessed the whole story from the title.
Yes, that’s the boggart from Harry Potter books – What do I exactly mean by that?
I guess most of the people from my generation know the story of Harry Potter and may be familiar with the creature called “boggart”, which is a kind of monster that takes on the form of your worst fear. For me personally, OCD feels just like this: a kind of monster that is suddenly attacking me and is taking on the form of my “most recent worst fear”.
So, what is the perfect solution? Try to laugh at it – just the way Harry Potter’s friends did. This may not work in all cases as sometimes OCD can really drive you crazy and there are moments when one feels that there is simply no way out – when you feel the urge to clean your room several times a day or when you are afraid of non-intentionally commit  a crime/suicide, you will not be able to laugh at yourself, but when you feel calmer, it does help if you just think about your fears and try to “make them funny”. – At least it works as laughing at something will make that thing much less scary.
So, just do not give up and keep fighting that boggart! 🙂

Moving to another country with OCD…

Hi All,

I am sorry for disappearing for so long, however, I have been busy with a lot of things – yes, as the title says, I have moved to another country. As everything else in this world, moving is also a really challenging thing when you have OCD.
I think many of you may have experienced the things that I did. What if the company decides to revoke the job offer at the very last moment? Obviously, this was one of my biggest fears. Of course, this fear had been almost totally irrealistic, but try to explain this to someone who has OCD. I spent a lot of sleepless nights constantly worrying about the possibility of a revoked job offer.
So, yes, that was one of the main reason I have not posted anything on here for so long – I was afraid that if I wrote it down it would somehow become real. And yes, of course OCD would never stop at this point – signing the contract did not make things much easier as after signing it, a new fear arised: what if I get sick and will not be able to work?
All this may sound ridiculous to those without OCD, but I am pretty sure that most of the people who are dealing with the same problem can understand it perfectly.
Furthermore, let’s not mention about finding a flat: the constant fear that I would not find one and would have to give up on moving and getting a job in a different country just because of the fact that I am unable to find a flat.
However, overall, the moving itself turned out to be great and I am pretty satisfied with my life at the moment. A change is always a good thing – especially when you have OCD – a whole new city to explore and a lot of new things to learn. And let’s not forget about the new fears that one can have in a new country….as you may have noticed I am a type of person who likes making fun of his own situation so in the rare moments when I do not have OCD, I almost laugh when I imagine what kind of weird new fears I will developp while staying here. 🙂

Daily Fear

As I’ve already mentioned in my previous posts, I’d spent most of my days with fear and today was no exception.
I’m sure that many of you guys (who have OCD) were/ or are afraid of chocking.So that’s exactly what happened to me today. As usually, I was having my lunchbreak at work – so of course for an average person it would not seem to be something really dangerous, but not for me, as myself, I see danger everywhere, I suddenly started to question myself: what If I am allergic to this pizza? Obviously, I’m not allergic to any of the ingredients, but then, my brain would not stop asking me the typical OCD question: but what if?
So, this “what if” went a little bit further, until the point where I could actually feel that I could choke and die at any moment. And of course, in the meantime I had to pretend that everything was alright as one can not afford oneself talking about OCD in the middle of the office.
Now that the whole OCD attack is over, I can even laugh at myself – and that’s the only good thing about this whole terror. When it’s over, I can make fun of myself and see how irrational I was, but then, obviously, at the moment when I have these thoughts, everything looks really dark.
So that’s pretty much it for today. Just another typical day with OCD – as a final thought, let’s be a bit positive – at least this is something that always remains constant in our ever-changing world.
Please do not hesitate to share any comments about your own OCD story – looking forward to hearing from you guys! 🙂

What kind of thoughts people with OCD can have?

Unfortunately, there are millions of people living with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder all around the world. I do have many friends who have OCD, however, for some reason, talking about it is still a kind of taboo – I could never understand why, but people are not comfortable with talking about Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I’d like to share with you the list of thoughts and irrational fears that myself and my friends had/ have. This list may be funny or ununderstandable for someone who does not have this horrible disease, but I hope it helps those who have OCD – when the whole terror (because that’s how I call it) started, it also helped me to read about other people’s fears, so that I could see that I am not the only one having such thoughts and that it is not the end of the world (even if it’s horribly disturbing).
So, here is the list (please do not hesitate to comment on the post, if there’s anything you think I could add.)
– What if I forget speaking?
– What if I forget speaking English?
– What if I forget writing?
– What if I choke because I did not chew my food enough?
– What if I harm my loved ones?
– What if I accidentally commit a crime?
– Did I close the door?
– Did I turn off the stove?
– Being afraid of fainting in public
– Being afraid of catching a disease
And finally, a thought that maybe all people with OCD have: if others knew that I am thinking about all this, they’d surely think that I am out of my mind, and I’d end up in a mental hospital. I’d not like to give any advice about handling these thoughts as I have problems handling them myself – but I do think that discussing about them and learning more about OCD will help us overcome it in the future! 🙂